Pesky Sens Anthem (apologies to LMFAO)

Daniel Alfredsson said it: the Ottawa Senators are “in tough” against Pittsburgh tonight. But, prostate after hearing the original “Pesky Ottawa Athlete on Skates”, Elizabeth Manley on CBC Radio’s Ottawa Morning about her come-from behind medal at the Calgary Olympics, I thought I’d write my own version of the “fight song” she chose…

Pesky Sens Anthem - Every Game We're PESKIER

Pesky Sens Anthem

Dedicated to the Pesky Sens. GO SENS GO!!

To the tune of Party Rock Anthem (apologies to LMFAO)

Pesky Sens will rock the house tonight!
Every Penguin, get under their skin.
And Sens gonna make them lose their minds
Go Sens Army let’s have a good time!

Pesky Sens will rock the house tonight!
Crosby, Malkin, get under their skin.
And Sens gonna make them lose their minds
We just gonna plain out-skate them!

On the ice, Pesky Sens, lookin’ for the puck?
It’s on my stick, (huh) nonstop gonna make you sick,
Keep it movin’ FLICK, and we got you licked
Where’d that go? You’ll never know, tight team, hot skates ’cause we’re rock ‘n’ roll
Half red, half black, with a hint of gold, game’s still on, Crosby’s lookin’ old
Yo, Alfie’s runnin’ through these Pens like Gretzky
He got that devilish flow, rock ‘n’ roll, he’s PESKY!
We pesky Sens, yeah, beatin’ the Pens we’re preppin’
On the climb to the top, and you’re just one step in.

Pesky Sens will rock the house tonight!
Every Penguin, get under their skin.
And Sens gonna make them lose their minds
Go Sens Army let’s have a good time!

Pesky Sens will rock the house tonight!
Every Penguin, get under their skin.
And Sens gonna make them lose their minds
We just gonna plain out-skate them!

Every game we’re PESKIER, Pesky Sens, Pesky Sens!

Step up quick and be the first Pen, Neil crush with a check
We spoil your party, make you mad now? Ow! A pain in the neck!
One more shot for us, another round,
To the Stanley Cup, don’t mess around
We just wanna see you got the word, eh?
We ain’t gonna lose, to no flightless birdies!

Like ants on your pie – HEY!  Go Sens Go!
We get more pesky as we go!

Like ice in your eye – HEY!  Go Sens Go!
We get more pesky as we go!

We’ll make you cry – HEY!  Go Sens Go!
We get more pesky as we go!

We get more pesky as we go!

We just gonna plain out-skate them!

So come on Sens. Let’s get PESKY!

GO SENS GO!!

Hurricane Sandy T-Shirt: Been there. Trashed that.

To all my friends in New York City, remedy Boston, ed and the US East Coast. Wishing you safety and peace as you ride this one out. I hope this Hurricane Sandy T-Shirt gives you a bit of a chuckle.

Link to image here.

Here’s the real reason Sandy visited NY. It was that T-Shirt. Feel free to share it, Facebook it, Pin it, Instagram it, whatever you like.

 

Political Humour: Mitt Romney: Horses, Bayonets, and Binders of Other Ideas!

Binders, abortion and blinkers, and blades… oh my!

I was all gooey and weak in the knees listening to Mitt Romney tonight during the final debate with Barack Obama. He. Is. Dreamy. (sigh) But tonight, and through the whole campaign, I was also struck by how many progressive, modern ideas Mr. Mittens has – about women, Muppets, the 47% of Americans who mooch off the system, that kind of stuff.

But his brilliant plan to measure American military capacity by the lofty standards of 1916 –  bayonets, horses, gunboats, and all? Pure un-bindered genius! Then it occurred to me: why, this guy doesn’t just have a LOT of ideas. He has BINDERS full of them.

So I give you. Mitt Romney’s secret idea binder…

Cement trucks at 130 km/h? Why the heck not!

A thought experiment:
What if Ottawa treated speed limits like development applications?

Recently, dosage our City’s Planning Committee has been happily rubber-stamping rezoning applications from large developers for skyscraper condo buildings – even though they are double, pills triple, or even quadruple Official Plan and Community Design Plan guidelines. So I wondered: what if we treated other urban regulations the same way? After all, they all get in the way of growth, don’t they?

Artist’s Rendering. Modern “Slimline” Cement Trucks Enhance Neighbourhood at Optimal Speed.

BY DAVID RAVELY, THE O-TOWN CITY-ZEN, JULY 11, 2012

In the quiet urban neighbourhood of Placid Park, more than 750 giant cement trucks a day will now be able to drive at up to 130 km/h through small residential streets. “Maximum 40km/h” signs will remain in place for residents and all other vehicles,  but Devco Cement trucks will now be allowed to travel at more than three times the posted speed.

That’s because earlier today, the City’s Transportation Committee unanimously approved a proposal from Devco to allow their cement trucks and other heavy vehicles to travel through the neighbourhood of Placid Park at an “optimized speed”.

“They’re just being all “NOM-C”, saying ‘Not Over My Child’. But oh, wait till they see how lovely this proposal really is for everybody!”
~ Councilor Catherine Hobby

“Placid Park kids will absolutely adore these super-fast -moving trucks!” Says the Mayor.

According to Devco president Lance De Boil: “The goal is to help the city meet its “rapidification” goals, and ease traffic congestion on main arteries.” To do this, Devco will now be able to use Placid Park as a high-speed bypass – whisking their trucks from Highway 466 to a new Devco cement plant on the other side of the small neighbourhood.

“It’s a win-win!” Says Transportation committee chair, Councilor Peter Hummer: “Our Diesel 20/20 Plan calls for rapidification of 20-40% in this area, and this decision allows us to take one big step towards getting those trucks moving much more quickly to their destination.”

The City, for its part, will pay for repaving and widening the road – and removing all speed bumps, stop signs, cross-walks, bike lanes, and the school crossing zone next to Placid Park Elementary School’s playground.

“Fast is good. It’s really a step up from the clunky, down-speed proposals of the past!” said De Boil in his presentation, before handing off to his Transportation Architect, Roddy Heehee.

According to Hayhee, the old speed limits were about preventing dirty, ugly, old trucks, not today’s “low-profile conveyances, pulsing with power, energy, and grace”.  Heehee’s PowerPoint presentation showed artists’ renderings of pastel-coloured trucks on wide, leafy streets, moving past happily waving mothers and children. His presentation drew applause from the dozen lobbyists, consultants, and transportation architects on hand.

And area Councilor Catherine Hobby says she is enthusiastic that the community will eventually change their minds on the issue: “They’re just being all “NOM-C”, saying ‘Not Over My Child’. But oh, wait till they see how lovely this proposal really is for everybody! Devco has hired an expensive Toronto truck-decorating firm. And gosh, but won’t all those slim new trucks make Placid Park sparkle with urban energy!

But community representatives aren’t convinced: “I don’t care how pretty the truck is. If it runs over my dog, it’s going too damned fast!” said one grumpy man, who asked that his name (Fred Smith) not be used. “I thought the word “limit” meant, well, a “limit”. I guess not for everybody. If I asked for permission to drive that fast, I’d get arrested!”

“I don’t understand,” said Placid Park Community Association chair Les Pertinent. “The city’s official plan says one thing, and we spent years working with the city to develop a long Community Transportation Plan (CTP) – all of which were approved by Council. Then we put in countless hours and community dollars hiring experts to show how ludicrously dangerous this proposal is, and twenty-five of us took unpaid days off work to come downtown and say our piece. How can they just overturn all that with one, unanimous vote?”

Hummer rolls his eyes: “Sure, we all support CTPs in principle. But this one only covers the middle of the street Devco is proposing to use, not the new wider street! And the wording says “greater speeds than 40 km per hour should be discouraged. Discouraged? How can we possibly know what that means? That would get thrown right out at the Ontario Motor Board (OMB)!”

Hummer angrily denied that this decision was simply a way for Devco to increase profits at the expense of safety for local residents. He also denied any connections between campaign funding and the pattern of voting on the committee – which routinely approves major speed limit rezoning applications by large companies against community objections.

“Besides,” adds Hobby,who has herself also reacted angrily in the past to questions of campaign funding: “You can’t say it wasn’t democratic. We did hold consultations. Well, one public meeting anyway. The company presented the idea to the community, while I hid… er, um, took notes at the back of the room. And even though there were hours of objections, Devco staff very patiently explained how wrong and narrow-minded everyone in the room was.”

Then Hobby smiles beatifically and gestures to the huddle of angry citizens outside the Committee Room: “And gosh. These people did elect me. So they must approve of what I’m doing!”

When asked what the next steps are for the Community Association are, Les Pertinent shrugs. “We’re a small community, so we can’t afford a legal challenge. I guess we’ll just have to keep our kids off the streets.’

“And I guess, since Devco originally asked for 160 km per hour, it could be worse….”

 

These made me smile

Anatomy of a very very awkward photo-op

Stephen Harper’s walk on the beach.

This morning, sales I saw this article  in the Canadian edition of Huffington Post: Stephen Harper On The Beach: Prime Minister Takes An Awkward Walk In Colombia. In it, order there was a photo of Stephen Harper walking down the beach in bare feet with his pantlegs rolled up.

My thoughts, in order, were:

  1. Wow, that looks really dorky. I’m almost embarrassed for the guy.
  2. But, because it looks so awkward, that can’t be a staged photo-op.
  3. Good gosh! Maybe the Prime Minister Stephen “Roboshot” Harper actually did something on the spur of the moment.

But then I took  another look at the photo. What are the chances that secret service guy spontaneously commandeered that neon-coloured dune buggy – or alternately that this is some random guy who likes to dress like the Men in Black whilst dune-buggying?

Here's the annotated version

Chapters FAIL: No that’s NOT what I meant by “Toy Story”.

Dear Chapters,

I’m not easily offended. At all. I’m not a fan of censorship, drug and I certainly don’t write a lot of hate letters about stuff that offends my tender sensibilities.

But I do have three young kids. And while I do want them to learn about the world in all of its complexity and strangeness – really I do – I kind of had in mind a gradual unfolding of knowledge. You know, recipe like introduce the really ugly and complicated stuff gradually?

So today while I was looking for Christmas presents my 5 year old son might be interested in, I entered “Toy Story, Books, Fiction & Literature” and as you might imagine, this is what I was looking for.

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But this is what I found (and yes I have censored it for a PG audience):

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The title of that “eBook” in the corner is “S*x Toy Stories: Er*tic Tales of Naughty Pl*y” (letters changed to keep me out of weirdo searches). And I gotta admit, I was a bit taken aback by the fact that this image and title would appear on the same page as Buzz and Woody… GAH I take that back! See what you made me do there Chapters?!?

But even worse, below it was this:

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Okay, I don’t care what the story is about, the title sounds WRONG. Like evil, pathological criminal wrong. And even if the title is misleading and the story is about rainbows and butterflies, the title is enough to make me want to run screaming from the site.

And what’s worse, there’s no way to flag it for Chapters. I get that people can self-publish their Kindle books, and that bad people will want to put sick stuff on the Toy Story page during the Christmas rush. Fine. But nowhere on the page is there even a “Hide” button, or a “Flag this as inappropriate content” link so I can help Chapters get better at filtering their stuff for me.

So Chapters, just thought you should know, you lost a customer today.

Let me know when you fix that and I *might* just come back.

So sorry. A feminine Hygiene adventure

Okay, healing this apology from OB Tampons to their customers for running into supply problems is way over the top, diagnosis but it’s funny, this web shareable, and the customization is really impressive.

Check it out here

But I have to admit, I got childish glee from two things:

1) making the song about some guy named BUBBA.

2) This unintentionally funny error message that appeared above the video. Something about insertion errors and errant strings. 

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Jesus comments on the 99% movement (RSV – Republican Standard Version)

It’s bizarre to me that so many prominent conservatives call themselves Christians and yet have so little sympathy for the plight of the working poor, abortion support tax breaks for the rich, viagra order and blame anyone but the wealthy, vote-buying class for the problems we’re in right now.

Jesus didn’t talk that way. At least in my Bible….

But then I realized: they must be reading from a different version of the Bible than the rest of us. And sure enough, see if you can recognize the Jesus that’s quoted in this passage from The Gospel of Newt:

Jesus_speaks_to_the_blind_protesting_beggar_-_shorter_800px

St Patrick’s Day 2009 – Evil Empire Edition

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Okay, decease so to parse the Irish contextual symbolism here. Does Darth Vader represent the Queen of England?